Lo and behold, I had a weekend of Great Indolence and Very Little Actual Accomplisments. Although I did watch a show about Killer!Elephants, and learned that elephants have at least 70 distinct ultrasonic calls they use to talk to each other. Despite the rather dramatic title, the Killer!Elephants were not killing people, but rather rhinos. Turns out that this park in South Africa took in a whole bunch of orphaned elephants. In normal elephant society, the bulls split off from the matriarchal herds after a few years, and team up with an older, more experienced bull, from whom they learn the facts of life. Being around older bulls also limits the amount of time they spend in must (also known informally as 'roid rage). By not having any older bulls around to keep the South African orphans in line, they bascially turned all jocky-asshole, killing rhinos to keep their existential angst at bay. There were two ways to cure this. What they wound up doing was to bring in some older bulls to show the little guys how to walk the line. The second choice was to spread out enormous black cloths and blare The Cure over some loudspeakers, thus allowing the teenaged elephants to embrace their existential angst.
What? Their trunks are extremely dexterous, and I'm sure they'd have no problem applying black eyeliner.