wealhtheow

Better

I feel so much better. It's amazing what getting things off your chest can do. After writing the previous post, I cleaned off my kitchen table, lit a beautifully scented candle, and made some plans for next week. Later I met my husband for dinner (at Quizno's, yes, but still technically dinner out) and bought some gorgeous flour sack dish towels for my mom and mother-in-law. My mom said I needed to try them, so I'm snaking one set of hers and will use it tonight. I'll head over and get her a replacement set on Monday, and maybe will pick up one or two more sets as emergency gifts. Who doesn't love pretty dish towels? Baby's nose is finally drying up, so I think our isolation is over.

Lonely

Here's the thing: unless you've done this gig, you can never possibly understand how desperately lonely it gets. Usually I get together with people from my MOMS club a few times a week, but with me being sick last week and Sam being sick this week, we've essentially been in isolation. 

I call my mom two or three times a day. I've called old friends, who don't call back. I call my husband 4 or 5 times a day, and hear him get more and more frustrated every single time, because he's trying to work.

I spend my day with the person I love most in the world, but he can't talk to me or relate to me. It is adorable when he tries to feed me a Cheerio or a soggy yogurt melt, but it feels like that's the sum total of my human interaction lately, and it's not enough. 

I do love this gig, but the hard parts are so utterly unlike what I thought they'd be. I know the baby will be feeling better next week, and I'll be able to get back to the usual routine. But right now I'm so lonely I feel like crying.

Lessons

1. Few things suck more than being sick and taking care of the baby.  
2. One of the things that does suck more is zoning out the couch being sick, and hearing your husband upstairs say "Hello Sam!" in an overly enthusiastic tone of voice, whereupon you realize it is very quiet downstairs, and where is that baby anyhow, and holyshitweforgettoshutthegate and the baby has just climbed upstairs by himself and ohmygodwhatifhefell???!!one!! 
3. If such an incident were to occur, said baby would be enormously proud of himself for making it all the way up to Dada by himself. 
4. The cat would be absolutely no help in this situation, and in fact you might suspect that she is silently rooting for the baby to fall.
5. Not that she wants him hurt, but she might like it if he were immobile for a while. Like for about 20 years. 
6. When you are sick, you will be mightily tempted to let your baby figure out on his own that if he keeps mauling the cat he may get bitten, but you are afraid someone will see the scratches and call CPS. 
7. When you are sick, you will have vivid dreams about fighting with your mother over the phone because the baby isn't eating enough vegetables, and then when you hang up your friends will all agree with your mother and you'll throw a ginormous tantrum in your dream.
8. In an attempt to deal with the underlying issues of your dream, you will make sweet potato fries for the boy's dinner, and then burn your thumb on the oven rack. 
9. The reservation is under pity, party of one. 

Nothing, tra la la!

Additions to Sam's food repertoire: buttered toast (big hit); bagel and cream cheese (not such a big hit); blueberry poptarts (yummmy! and messy!)

Summer is coming to a close, so we're going to spend as many lazy sunny days outside on the lawn as we can. The good news is that temperatures are starting to drop, so I anticipate more walks during the week, and lots of bike rides during the weekend. My big-ass jogging stroller* can convert to a bike trailer, which we plan on hitching up to R's bike. Perhaps it will slow him down enough that I won't give myself a heart attack trying to keep up with them. Although I've been doing Mommy Boot Camp for almost a month now, and no longer feel like vomiting at the end of each class, so maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised when I hop back on the bike. 

As Sam gets more and more active, the importance of being in shape to keep up with him and help him stay active is really hitting me in the face. Although I am not against the idea of TV to keep him entertained while I make dinner or to be the electronic babysitter when I'm really sick, I never want him to be content to just sit watching the screen. I want him to take lots of walks, play outside,ride his bike everywhere--and I know the best (and maybe the only) way to ensure this happens is to model these behaviors myself. Right now he thinks it's hysterical to watch me gyrating and jumping away at MBC, but I want him to remember that his mother took care of herself throughout her childhood and didn't just martyr herself on the altar of motherhood. 

I feel as though I should be writing something witty and informative here, but nothing is springing to mind, except, oh my gosh! I have issues with food! And also with my body! And with my son's food! Who knew? 

Oh, in other interesting news, Sam fell off our bed the other day. He was contentedly pulling clean laundry out of the basket and I had turned my back for less than a minute while trying to find a clean bra when I heard this giant WHUMP! I thought ohshitohshitohshit but maintained my sangfroide and turned around calmly. My little innocent baby lay there on the floor, his eyes as big as saucers. I grabbed him to give him a kiss, checking for cuts or bruises. He gave me a giant smile, and I put him back on the bed--whereupon he instantly made for the edge again. Not a single tear, not a single cry. So going over the bed at (almost) 10 months? Clearly not that big of a deal. His reaction was much more WTF? than OMG!!

*Oh my god, we did not pay anything NEAR what that stroller is retailing for now. That is really obscene, folks. 

Food Situation Part Deux

As I suspected, much of the trouble Sam has had with eating is due to my neurotic energy. Here is a partial list of food he ate this weekend.

1. Sweet potato fries (lots)
2. guacamole (lots) 
3. hot dogs 
4. cheese curds 
5. 1 scoop vanilla ice cream 
6. yogurt  
7. roasted sweet potatoes and white potatoes 
8. avocado (probably 2 over the weekend)
9. one kid-size ice cream from FastFoodChain
10.  at least 3 full jars of baby food.  

The kid ate like a champ, and I swear he's gained half a pound over the last three days.