I can't even remember last year at this time. I think I've blocked it out. The little guy was crying all the time, because we didn't realize he had reflux and was in pain. We were lucky to get 4 hours of sleep in a row, and I couldn't handle doing any sort of Christmas preparations--I honestly don't even know how I got gifts out to people. I was in total shock at motherhood, and just unprepared to have a baby who cried and wouldn't be comforted. Showering was an unknown luxury, and I'd spend either days or minutes in my pajamas, only changing when he'd soaked me with spitup.
What a difference a year makes! All my Christmas shopping is done, and most of it is wrapped. Packages are off, and Christmas cookies are baking in the oven right now. The candles are in the menorah, ready to be lit, and thanks to my mom, we even have a tiny Christmas tree, complete with lights (I wasn't going to do a tree this year because I didn't feel like playing referee all day long). We can usually get at least two or three nights of completely uninterrupted sleep, and when Sam does get up I'm up with him for 10 minutes before we're both back in bed. He's eating like he has some sort of tapeworm who enjoys spicy food (chili and enchiladas are some of his favorites), and he's finally starting to really put on some weight. Showering is still something way too far down on the priority list, but my laundry no longer stinks of baby vomit.
But even more than that, Sam and I have gotten to know each other, gotten to love each other beyond just the primal mother-child bond. As Sandra Boynton writes in Snuggle Puppy, "I love what you are, I love what you do!" He cuddles up in my lap to drink some milk and watch a cartoon when he's still waking up from his nap. He toddles over to give me gigantic hugs. He sorts his toys and puts his blocks in the biscotti jar and screws the lid on, then brings it over to me to unscrew. He still cries, but I can always make it better for him with a kiss and a cuddle, and if the situation is really dire, some nursing. When his daddy gets him in the morning and brings him to me in bed for some wake-up nursing, he reaches his little arms out to me and says "Mama!" I loved him last year because he was my child, and I was his mother. I love him this year because he's Sam, and I can't imagine my life without this wonderful little guy. I love how he hears his father's motorcycle and night and walks over to the door chanting "Dada! Dada! Dada!" I love his squeals of delight when he sees the cat come downstairs, or when he's taken in to our room to give her a goodnight hug. He's turning into his own little person, and as I go through the holiday tasks this year, I can't wait for the years to come, when he'll help decorate the tree, and help make the cookies. I can't wait to share all the wonders and joy of this season with him. But right now I'm so grateful to be where we are, right here at the beginning.