wealhtheow

Still waiting ...

I'm not good at waiting. It's not just that I don't like it and am impatient. Without a plan, my skin starts to feel a little crawly. I've always figured my craving for external structure had to do with my ADD and my difficulty with creating structure for myself.

So I'm doing better with this than I'd anticipated. But I'm still monitoring things obsessively: is my lower-back pain prelabor, or is it just the fact that I'm 9 months pregnant? Is there the slightest tinge of pink to my cervical mucous, indicating that I'm passing the mucous plug, or am I just wearing pink underwear? Are these cramps the beginning of labor contractions, or just general uterine grumpiness? Is my nausea another prelabor symptom, or just the fact that I'm so exhausted that I broke down crying in the bathroom stall at work yesterday*? I can't get past the sense that if I just look hard enough I'll find the signs that will tell me exactly when I'll go into labor. Except it doesn't work like that.

Tomorrow I have my 38 week check-up (well, 38 weeks and 5 days, so really more like 39). I keep feeling my belly tighten, but I honestly don't know if these are early (and painless) contractions, Braxton-Hicks contractions, or just the boy stretching himself out (this kid better be into yoga, because he stretches like nothing I've ever seen). I keep waiting for someone to give me the answer.

*True story! The positive side is that I was so exhausted that I slept straight through the night (from 10 pm to 6:00 am), something I haven't done in well over a month. So I'm not feeling teary and awful today. Just a little impatient.

The Waiting Game

Another doctor's appointment today. I'm 50% effaced and 1 cm dilated. Although I'd like to think this is indicating progress (I was 50% effaced last week but not dilated at all), I know that this marks the start of the waiting game, and I could go on like this for another four weeks before starting active labor.

I'm feeling ambivalent about the start of labor. We have our birth class this weekend and we need to do a couple last things around the house, so part of me feels that anytime after Sunday would be good. (Make a note of that, will you, baby?) But my last day of work is next Friday, and it would be so nice to have at least a few days of just lazing about the house relaxing before I bring home a newborn and never sleep ever again.

I'm usually dreadful at the waiting game. I like to have a set schedule and know what is happening when. So I'm surprised that I'm not more stressed out about this. Maybe I'll feel differently in a couple weeks, but right now my attitude is kind of Zen. He'll come when he comes, and there's not much I can do about it one way or another. The last thing I want is to be induced and have it lead to a series of medical interventions culminating in a C-section that would have been unnecessary had I waited a few more days to go into labor on my own. Don't get me wrong, I'm tired of the constant backache and I'm dying to remember how it felt to get out of bed without a massive effort, but I'm trusting my body will do what it needs to do when it needs to do it.

nursery decorations

I work an average of 45 hours a week. I commute at least 2 hours a day. For some bizarre reason, I'm not having a huge burst of energy in my last month and find myself needing 9-10 hours of sleep each night.

The nursery. IS. NOT. GETTING. DECORATED.

If this bothers you, feel free to come over to my house and do it your damn self.

If one more person asks me if we're painting the nursery or putting up decorations I am going to burst into tears. Thanks for making me feel like a failure as a mother before my baby's even born, world!

The Final Countdown

We are really close to the end over here, me and the boy (and R, I suppose). My last day of work is officially 10/26, and I've been like some sort of caffeine-fueled demon trying to get everything wrapped up before then. Just when I think I have things under control, there is more stuff to do or more meetings to attend.

And just for fun, I went to the doctor the other day. When she examined my cervix, she said it was really soft (an indicator that it's thinking about dilating). She said she didn't think I'd go over 39 weeks. Wonderfully, she also said that she could feel his head right above the cervix, so things look great for a vaginal delivery. That's the news I wanted to hear.

I've been having very very very slight cramps. Any slighter and I wouldn't be able to notice them, but still a sign that Something is Happening and Something Bigger is coming before too terribly long. I've decided that the house needs to be 100% baby-ready by the end of this weekend. No doubt this will involve several trips to Babies R Us and Target this weekend to get things like waterproof mattress pads and sheets for the cradle and all that good stuff. I have a baby shower today at work,so I think we'll probably be all set. Here is my list of stuff what still needs to be done:

1. Clear out extraneous crap in nursery--this should take about an hour, and it is mostly stuff that Rick needs to deal with.
2. Wash all baby clothes and put away (including cloth diapers)
3. Get waterproof mattress pad for crib and put bedding on crib
4. Assemble cradle, possibly get mattress and bedding for cradle (the bedding we'll definitely need, but I'm hoping the mattress is in the box.)
5. Put up shelves in the nursery. (we have a ton of stuffed animals already for this kid, and I'd like someplace to put a clock and the iPod dock we're keeping in his room)
6. Set up changing station. (this involves probably getting a couple covers for the changing pad and setting out all my changing supplies, which friends gave us a while back)
7. Stock up on frozen food. Maybe I'll boil up a chicken this weekend and freeze some stock and some pot pies. And possibly bake up some muffins and freeze them.
8. Call up pediatrician. This probably should have done a couple weeks ago, but oh well.
9. PACK LABOR BAG! This would be a good one not to forget about, huh? One item some of my older books warn you to be certain to include is makeup. Somehow I cannot imagine giving a rats ass about makeup in the first few days after my son's birth.
10. Put away all baby gifts, hopefully someplace in the nursery. I'm hoping this will just fall naturally into place and won't involve me in dissolving into tears trying to find the best place for the diaper pail.
11. INSTALL CAR SEAT. Again, this would be a good one not to forget, seeing as how we can't actually take the kid home without it.

I'm sure there's more, but those are the biggies. Now you may start your betting on whether or not we'll actually get all that done by Sunday night.

random stuff

• I never seem to sleep anymore. I woke up at 4:30 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep.
• Sometimes I think this baby is going to forgo labor entirely and just kick his way out of my uterus.
• The cat has been exceptionally sweet lately--and by lately, I mean from the day I entered the third trimester, creepily enough.
• If I never ate anything other than chicken cesar salad from my favorite take-out place and ice cream, I'd be unbelievably happy. But I don't think that would go over very well with the man.
• I will be 7 months pregnant before the goddamn escalator at my Metro stop is fixed. This escalator has been out of commission since the beginning of my pregnancy. It is difficult not to take this as a personal slight. Fuck you, WMATA.
• I'd probably get fired if I curled up under my desk and took a nap, right? But on days like today, it seems worth the risk.

Can't help lovin' that man of mine.

R often says things like "I just know this baby is going to come early" and "He's going to be a big one!" This just makes me want to hit him. The idea of a big baby in the abstract is appealing--who doesn't want to casually drop "My son is in the 99th percentile for height and weight and all the doctors think he is destined to become the next Lord and Savior of Mankind due to his amazing physical prowess," but when one is faced with the idea of actually pushing said messiah-baby through one's lady bits, the idea of average is starting to look distinctly appealing. And as for the first comment--yes, I'm sure it would be nice to give birth at 38 weeks, as everyone says those last few weeks are basically designed to make childbirth an appealing option compared to staying pregnant. But what if I give birth at 42 weeks? I'm going to be hating him for all the "early birth" comments while I drag my increasingly heavy body about the house like some sort of massive African land mammal.

But all that aside, I can honestly say I have never been more in love with my husband than I am these days. R has thanked me for carrying our child literally every day since we found out that this pregnancy was viable. The expression on his face when he talks about the baby or feels him move is indescribable. It goes beyond joy. Whenever I tell him about how active the boy has been, he laughs, and it is the greatest sound I've ever heard. He is going to be the best father, which is something I've known for years from watching him with his nephews.

Our wedding was wonderful, and I truly do feel that we consecrated ourselves to each other that day. But this is something so much more profound  and real. Out of our love, we have created a human being. For better or for worse, we are in each other's lives forever now--there is no going back. And I could not imagine anyone I would rather take this journey with than my husband.

I should print this out so I can read it when I'm all sleep-deprived and angry that he gets to go to the office in clean clothes while I stay home to be mauled by a newborn in between endless bouts of laundry.

another half-hearted attempt

Whoo, it has been a long time, hasn't it? Part of the reason has because I've been insanely busy at work--the kind of frantic schedule only the genius posses and the insane lament. I've been stressed and frustrated, and 99% of that had to do with things going on at work, and I still uphold my vow never to blog about work.

But if I'm honest, there's maybe another reason. I thought when I got pregnant I'd obsessively chronicle everything on this blog, like Sundry does so brilliantly. But the truth is, I've enjoyed keeping my pregnancy to myself. This is such a special time--for these months, I have my son completely to myself. I'm finding it to be a private kind of joy. And even more than that, how do you even begin to find words to explain how miraculous it is to feel another living being moving inside your body? It is the best thing in the world, better than sex, better than ice cream. And that doesn't even begin to cover it. The only thing that even starts to compare is the expression on my husband's face when he feels our boy kicking away.

There are some parts of pregnancy which are less exciting, and I'll make you a helpful list here.

1. You've never really experienced temperatures in the triple digits until you've experienced it pregnant. Between the already-raised body temperature and the swelling, being outside for even ten minutes is a very special kind of torture. Thank god I live in an age of air conditioning.
2. Due to hormones and the fact that my uterus is exponentially larger than it was 6 months ago, the bottom system acts a little strange. I'll run to the bathroom in a restaurant, and when I come out some minutes later, R always has a very concerned look on his face. "Are you okay?" he asks. "I was getting worried." At times like this I have the desire to sew a beach ball to his internal organs and time how long it takes him to take a crap.
3. Gas. 'Nough said.
4. Heartburn. Ditto.
5. Feeling the baby move is amazing. Feeling the baby kick you in the bladder while you're in the car--no less amazing, but it changes the situation from "Anytime you want to stop I could use the bathroom" to "Holy hell, stop this car right now."
6. Gas. Guess not enough was said.
7. Cravings don't go away with the first trimester. Fortunately, most of my cravings these days seem to be for salad. Unfortunately, those cravings which aren't for salad are invariably for chocolate and/or ice cream.
8. My house is a disaster area, and instead of just being ashamed, as I used to be, I find myself panicking. My god, I think. I can't have the house be like this with a baby! We can't have piles of papers and books lying around everywhere! I guess the nesting instinct is starting to kick in. But you know what would be awesome? If the nesting instinct didn't kick in just as the third-trimester energy drain also kicked in (about a week early, I might add). I look forward to many evenings of sobbing while I frantically dust the piano and shuffle papers around.

Knocked Up!

So plenty of folk have been telling me I need to go see the new Judd Apatow movie "Knocked Up." I probably will wind up seeing it, because it's gotten great reviews and I loved "Forty-Year-Old Virgin."

But people are telling me that I would really enjoy it because of my "condition."

Okay.

I've never said to anyone "Hey, you're old and alone, I bet you'd totally dig Harold and Maude." Or "Hey, you seem borderline retarded, why not check out the latest Jim Carrey movie?"

This is a movie made by men, focusing on a man's experience of pregnancy. That's never been done before in Hollywood, right? I love my husband, but at this particular moment, in my condition, I'm considerably more interested in the female view of pregnancy and birth, considering that is what is going on inside MY OWN BODY. Why isn't there a movie about that? Why would I enjoy a movie replaying all the old tired "You did this to me, don't touch me" birth stereotypes, especially in my condition?

Sorry.

Sorry, it's just the hormones. From my condition.